What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 18.06.2025 09:11
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
We were not on the streets..
Ive learnt so much.
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Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I waited trembling.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
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But ive been too sick for many years..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I was scared of men, in general
Im dying but, im not bitter.
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Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I was very sick at this time too.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
What kind of person makes you think "how come there are people like that"?
We all went to grammer schools
I have no regrets .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Why is it difficult to get a job?
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Especially a lifetime of it.
And i lived it daily.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
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When she asked me how she looked .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
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So, i spoilt her more .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
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I couldn’t, believe it.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Does being poor build better character than being born rich?
It was going to be , some day.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I was 9 years of age.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I will be 64.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
What makes outside showers appealing? Why are they not commonly seen?
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I never cut or harmed myself..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
So whats the point in blame.
I don,t even have a pension.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Put me off passion for life!!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
One cannot live in the past .
She loved him until the end.
My family never makes their pension either.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
(And it was in our own minds.)
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Why did i forgive my father ?
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
My life is so biszare .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
All the time i was locked up.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
She was in good health!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Im still living with it.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
What did i know ?
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I said to her
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
As i do to all so called friends.?
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
This is soul school!.
Would this be the day?
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
She married twice! .
But, we were locked up after school.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I write beautiful poetry .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He resisted the act ,that day.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I think the readers, may guess!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Comes on , in middle age.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
She found it foreign!.
I was seconnd youngest,
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
He knew the spot.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She wouldn,t have been !
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Who then, do I blame.?
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
But it wasn’t much.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I could never make a relationship work though!